“To honestly believe in something is to be ready to accept the consequences of what said belief has put on you.”
—Karnavaara
You know what’s weird? All it takes is one sight: green grass. It’s such an insignificant and self-evident thing… But it floods me with memories, such as the one time we were grilling outside with our mom. We were all smiling, laughing, making jokes, and having fun. The weather was perfect. The grass was green. Dogs were playing and barking. I think we also played football that day. Trying to create memories as a family should. Trying to fix a broken family bond. Ah… It’s just so painful and sad because I know… I know that from now on until the end of my time, there won’t ever be days like that, and the wish I had where you’d stand alongside me is now snuffed out…
While returning home from a tragedy, I talked with a random passenger. She said one thing that only Alzheimer’s can make me forget: “Mut sä pärjäät, vai mitä?” This Finnish sentence translates to “But you’ll manage, right?“
This truly serendipitous event stuck a cord because from the very start, for some reason or another, I have managed. Luck always plays a role, but it isn’t purely because of me I managed. It’s because of you I managed. Because of you, I managed because I wanted to be a beacon of hope.
I watched you. I saw the things you were doing. You did good things but, to be honest, they weren’t all wise decisions. You weren’t always the best decision-maker, but who is? I’m not. You showed me, not in theory but in practice, what I should watch out for. You told me indirectly what I shouldn’t do and what I should do.
I tried to do the same for you–to create a sort of healthy feedback loop. I tried to show you that you don’t need many friends: only a few good ones will do. I tried to show you that true freedom comes from within: there’s no need to rely on extrinsic factors. I tried to show you that it’s okay to be lonely sometimes: detach from others and have self-dialogue. I tried to show you that you don’t need to preach or show your achievements to others: don’t seek validation from others, and most importantly, prove these to yourself. Courtesy of you, I also tried to show this all in practice, not theory.
However, where I failed as your brother was to show you what it really means to live life and what life is really about. I didn’t try to illustrate that to you, and now it truly pains me to know it’s too late. I should have told you–no, shown you how–to stay alive because as long as you’re alive, there’s potential, as you always have a second (or nth) chance.
So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for this all, Jami. Thank you for being part of my life. I am who I am in a big part because of you. I mirror the potential you had. And now, because of you, I think I’ll finally get to know what conviction really means and, as usual, not in theory but in practice. I won’t let this opportunity pass.
So, gears will be switched. I see no other way than to try and alchemize this into something great.
A straight and narrow road? Bedridden with difficulties? Includes events of despair and setback? A required determination level of “come hell or high water“? Brilliant! I’ll journey on one of those, though this time, I know how to walk and navigate while doing my utmost to practice what I preach.
Each of us has a fire that slowly but surely burns and fizzles out. Afterward, only pure white ash remains. But, before the fire fizzles out, there will be a brief but crucial time window where it should burn the brightest. This is the time when something exceptional and remarkable is brought into the spotlight. Life is, after all, impermanent.
I believe this is what you’d have wanted. For us, life was never meant to be conventional. Thank you for finally demystifying this to me. After all, no man is truly self-made.
You’re both the reason I took this path and stayed on it: I wanted to show you that we have hope. And now, you’re why I’ll stay on this path with conviction. It isn’t always the big brother who sets an example.
Everything I have done and will do is something you could’ve done. If only the circumstances were better… I see now that to honestly believe in something is to be ready to accept the consequences of what said belief has put on you.
If the untimely death of your own little brother doesn’t command growth, what does? So, from now on until the day God fizzles my fire and I die, this is my true conviction.
“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
—Nietzsche
Teot puhuu enemmän kuin sanat, vai mitä, Jami? Lepää rauhassa. Kiitos, kun olit osa mun elämää 31.5.2000 – 15.2.2025. Niissä olosuhteissa, jotka elämä soi meille, ei oo mitään permutaatiota jossa olisin yksin pärjännyt. Sä pidit mulle seuraa.
